|Brilliantly beautiful, you can almost forget this glass shard has been shattered from where it belonged.|
This morning, the AES said 'goodbye' to a couple I'll never forget - my staff Alex's parents. They're pastors in their home town of New Jersey, and a more powerful couple of God I've never met. :)
Joel and Alicia Adevai joined the AES for ministry to encourage us (and spoil us!) and were an injection of vitality and hilarity for the few days 'roughing' it with the AES here in Tepito.
God's used them in love to make me face a powerful truth, that were I to face & fight this giant I live with daily, I would actually enjoy life the way God intended. The giant I have is 'DENIAL'.
Please don't misunderstand me while you read this entry; I'm not a whining, sobbing broken-hearted mess 24/7 whilst endevouring to be a good missionary.
That would be pathetic. :)
I hope this isn't too jangled, but thoughts to God lately have kinda run like this...
|I was expert at walking away from anything that was messy & painful.|
"God...I appreciate all You do in my life; but it's not necessary to dig up wounds from the past, recent or ancient. If you live on this earth, you're gonna get hurt. Period. Parents, friends, strangers, whatever - it's life! You deal with it, forget about it, squash it down deep inside so you can focus on the present, and soon, it'll all be a distant memory.
I feel fine now! I feel pleasantly detached & numb when life throws lemons. Mission achieved! So why reawaken memories I've worked so hard to bury? What's the point??"
God waits till I've calmed down, or replies immediately. Always with wisdom and deep compassion. Go figure.
"Daughter, you can't hide forever. Everything you work so hard to forget WILL one day come to the surface - in a time you'd rather it not. You were created to come to Me when you're in pain. If you deal with brokenness by yourself, there will always be parts missing - because only I am able to completely heal you. I am your Healer! But it's up to you - do You trust Me with you heart? Your pain? You're numb now - but believe Me, it's not all roses inside."
Joel Adevai, Alex's pastor-Dad from New Jersey, USA, talked to our team before he left.
"To be an effective evangelist, you need healing. Like the Samaritan women in John 4, you need to experience Jesus' healing before you can run off & excitedly tell the Good News. 'Coz people won't be moved unless they see the LOVE of Jesus in you."
The reality I see now is, that no matter what, people WILL hurt you. Whether you protect and wall up your heart or not.
So, for me, being Miss Independent actually stems from rejection and abandonment. Like millions of women in the world. But it's not a healthy foundation for independence. Because anything not built on Jesus, will certainly one day fall.
I'm still figuring out how healing'll look for me. And there's no need to have it all together + answers.
I'm human, and Jesus is enough for me.
Love is choosing to love & getting hurt; because no matter what, God's always there to heal and protect.
I have a Dad who's never too busy for me, and who's arms are permanently open.
Good to know. :)